Venus, a stellar person, not planet

This post is a little late. But I have to "finish" the story. In tears.

Venus. Oh goodness, do I love that girl! Hence the tears. She is someone I will forever keep in contact with. And forever remember.

She's spunky, opinionated, cute, gutsy, crazy, kind, deep, thoughtful, stubborn, loving, loud and much much more.

Our last meeting was in June. She came over to my apartment for one last chat. I have always enjoyed talking to her.  The variety and depth or our conversations over the past 3 years is quite amazing. We never seem to run out of things to say. The topics of our last chat were Kevin, sex and dating in grad school.

Kevin. If you don't know who Kevin is, you should check out this post or this post. She had finally broke it off with Kevin, who was her lesbian girlfriend for the past 2 and a half years. She had debated for a while about when to do it, next term or this summer. She thought a slower break (over a couple of months) would be easier to accept. But they had a calm, collected conversation and "mutually" decided it was time to end their relationship. She wasn't broken up about it at all. She was revealed to be finished with it. She had become irritated and annoyed with Kevin's immaturity level and neediness and carelessness and lack of dependability. I told her some of that was Kevin's age and some of that was expectations that couldn't be met in another person. She was looking for love, stability, and fulfillment in a person. That was only going to lead her to heartache and disappointment. I reminded her I believed what she was looking for could only be found in God. Even if she found a man she thought was perfect, he was going to fail her, disappoint her, or anger her at some point in time. That ache/desire in her heart was only going to be fulfilled through God. She heard it all before and listened and understood. But ultimately, said she thought she could still have a good and happy marriage with out God or belief.

Dating. She had so many questions for me. What would I do and not do with my boyfriend, physically. What kind of things would we talk about. Just to clarify, my students all know I had a boyfriend in high school and college. I've shared various stories with them. Some of her questions were hypotheticals. Let me go on a tangent for a moment. Another thing to note is the maturity of level of college students in China. I may have said this before, but they are considerably less mature than the average American student. They don't usually pay for their tuition, food, cellphone bill, dorm fees, etc. They rely primarily on their parents. Some might rely on them less, but over all that isn't the case. Some might have a part time job. But most of them don't. Their parents believe they should focus on school.  SO, when I talk about boys and dating and sex, they get all sorts of giggly. They snicker and can't seem to help but cover their mouth in shock and awe of what I say. Venus, isn't that way. So, I shared some of the naive physical boundaries my boyfriend of the past and I had. She was intrigued. She said, "How can you stick to them so strictly, Nila?" I laughed. I said, "Sometimes, it wasn't easy. And, to be honest, most of the time, I had to say 'Stop' or 'That isn't ok.' I think men and women see and feel physical things very differently." I also told her said boyfriend and I were friends for about a year before we dated and we dated for about a 1 year and a half to 2 years. She was really surprised. It's not uncommon for Chinese to date 4-5 years before tying the knot. She said most people that date that long will stay together. I told her I stayed with him too long. I should have broken up earlier. About a year after dating, I was sure I wasn't going to marry him. Even after time and growth, it just wasn't going to work out. I encouraged her to know what she is willing to accept and what she's not. And if she needs to change those expectations from time to time, it's okay. But if she really can't accept smoking or lack of independence from family, then she should wait. Of course, it's "easy" for me to say all this. I'm American. There's "little to no pressure" for me to get married or have kids. But Asian families and parents are very opinionated and put a lot of pressure on their youngsters. She said she doesn't mind waiting, but she's not sure how her family will accept that idea. But she was very excited to see and meet new people in grad school. And possibly find the love of her life! There were endless opportunities in grad school.

Sex. Hahaha! I honestly can't remember how we came to this topic, but we did. I think I asked her what she would do if her boyfriend was pressuring her to have sex. I have heard this from so many young Chinese girls. They don't want to have sex. But they fear their boyfriends will leave them and find someone else. Which may very well be true. She said, very confidently, "I will never have sex with my boyfriend. I don't think it's ok. Girls should protect themselves. They should have confidence. And if my boyfriend tries to pressure me, I will say no. And if her continues for a long time, I don't need him. Maybe he's not right for me." Bravo! I love her tenacity. She expressed her thoughts about how sex is very intimate and special. She does not want to do it with everyone. She would like to wait to get married. I felt happy for her. To be so sure and so secure in her convictions. I wonder, if she will feel the same when/if the situation arises.


I hope to go visit her at some point. She is studying in a place that is called "Spring City" in Chinese. I've been there before and it has wonderful weather and lots of foreign goods. I suppose I could make some time to go ;)

Faith Like Potatoes

I’m not really a big fan of cheesy Christian movies. I have friends who JUST love Faith Like Potatoes, that marriage movie, Courageous and oh yeah, that football one…Don’t get me wrong, they are good, wholesome movies, but I like to be on the edge of my seat, wondering "What going to happen next!?!?" And those movies are just too predictable. FYI: I also like movies with some kind of sacrificial love. But having seen said movies, I am reminded of them because of the past week.

Several new friends came to visit from Kentucky. It was SOOOO much fun to see them fall in love with a people that are so close to my own heart. They loved the food, which is always a plus and actively pursued students in bringing them closer to the One, True God. Now, stay with me. It might get messy.

Sufi is a sophomore in my Oral English class. I was immediately pulled towards her because of her sweet smile and disposition. Our friendship was effortless and we could talk for hours. We, of course had several conversation about God, the spiritual realm, Buddhism, her family, etc.

Sufi had told me about so much. About how disappointed her father was when her older sister was born. About how he was not interested in her life. About more disappointment when she was born. In Asia, especially China, boys are valued higher than girls. This just broke my heart. Her whole childhood she had tried so hard to gain her father's approval. But had never succeeded. She said her relationship with her father was a cold and very distant. However, it was a contrast with her relationship with her mother. She her and her mother were very close.

Back to KY friends. Savannah and Logan met Sufi their second day here. And they feel in love with her just like I did. They had great conversations. And previous to their meeting, Sufi had told me her one big hang up was believing that there was ONLY ONE God. She wanted to believe everyone was free to believe whatever they wanted. But I told her, they could, but only one thing can be TRUE. She understood, but didn't want to commit. But during the week with Logan and Savannah, her heart changed. And that's only by the power of Father and the Holy Spirit. Savannah told her about having to just take a "leap of faith" sometimes. And so she did!!! It was a great end to a great week.

I meet with her the following week and we talked about navigating through the Good Book, meeting with other believers, prayer, sharing with other people. She seemed just as excited as when Savannah and Logan told me about her commitment to become a Christian.

But as I expected, she seemed most hesitant about meeting with others. Chinese people are all about the groups. People don't share opinions too freely or openly because it might go against the group. As a communication major, I would call this GroupThink. It's not really a good thing. But that's how they do it. ANYWAY, she felt weird going to this group of believers all alone and not knowing anyone there. I told her she had to try it at least three times before she gave up.

Back to cheesy Christian movies. Faith Like Potatoes is about this this farmer who is trying to grow potatoes in Africa. All these people say it can't be done. But he has faith because he has to. There's no way to know it works until it's harvest time. And then you dig and see if you got a potato or not. And of course, he does in the movie.

So, my life here, sharing with people is a lot like that movie. I share about Jesus. I listen to their hearts. I serve the people. I love people. I hug people. But in the end, I can only have faith. I don't know what's happening inside. But God does. And every once in a while, He digs and pulls out a potato :)