Boundaries and Margin

A couple weeks ago, I went to Thailand and met and re-connected with some incredible people. I was encouraged, challenged, refined, humbled and loved. Deeply. We are often so busy doing our own work, we rarely remember each other or make time to catch up. Or at least, that’s the case for me. Out of sight, out of mind. One of the lessons I took away from Thailand was about boundaries and margin.

Spring 2014 was grueling. It was wonderful. But grueling. I was challenged in ways I didn’t know needed stretching. Father brushed away some cobwebs and dusted the crannies of forgotten parts of my heart. Well, parts I had forgotten about, not that He had. 

I can honestly say and see that I was on the verge of “burnout.” I didn’t realize it at the time. I just felt tired, empty, useless and ineffective. While in Thailand, I learned that was a symptom of a life without boundaries and margin.

Boundaries: a limit, imaginary line or unofficial rule of what can and cannot be done. Acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. 

Margin: a reserve, extra time, money, supplies or space used in a the time of need for you or others. (You should have a DAILY reserve. A little extra time every day for you.)

See the difference in boundaries and margin? I didn’t at first. Boundaries are guidelines for your personal life and work life. What are you willing to do and not do? How much can you invest in something or someone? Margin is extra time/money/space for extra stuff that might come up. Is your schedule so full that you don’t have breaks? Do you have free time? Are you always running from one thing to another?

Don’t forget to communicate these boundaries and margins. You should be able to say “no” to things/people in love. When you have decided to cut something out, stick with that decision. But say “no” with love. Hopefully, this will also help you say “yes” in confidence. You will know you have extra time, money or space to help an out an unexpected friend. Or if something fun comes up, you have the ability to say “yes” with out having to cancel something else or move things around. Do not suffer from the “Disease to Please.”

Consequences of no boundaries/margin

1. Burnout
2. Stress-related disease
3. Relationship problems
4. Lack of productiveness
5. Lower quality of life, work and overall satisfaction
6. Eventually results in a chaotic life
7. Potentially career-ending

Rewards of boundaries/margin

1. At your personal potential
2. Have reserves to help people
3. Healthier relationships
4. Good example to others
5. Sustainable life and work/ministry

So, now you see the benefits and dangers of boundaries and margin. How do you make it happen? Here’s how! Make 3 lists. List EVERYTHING that takes up your time, all things that keep you busy.

God-given Obligations

These things are nonnegotiable.

Things might include; a quiet time, a Sabbath, worship, exercise, sleep, ministry, work, etc.

If this list is bigger than all the others, something is wrong. Maybe you are carrying a burden that’s not yours to carry. Maybe it’s time to ask for help. Maybe you need to delegate some things.

Expectations

These things are negotiable.

There are expectations others may have for you; going to dinner, hanging out, babysitting, work parties, event planning, etc.

There are expectations you have for yourself; meeting with a certain number of people a week, following-up on certain relationships, planning, weight loss goals, etc.

Are these things realistic? Are these things binding? Are these things worth your time and effort? Can you really do those things?

Some things might have to be cut out. That’s why they are negotiable!

Bucket List

Things you hope to do this month, this year, the next 5 years!

It’s always good to have dreams and ambitions.

This can be fun stuff; travel, learning a language, learning how to play an instrument, etc.

Okay, now you have lists and categories and you’re organized. What’s next? Planning!!!

Print off some calendars; daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Do what works for you! If you are good with a weekly plan, do that. If you are a little more detailed, do it daily-style. If you know you want to take a vacation in January, put it in there. Don’t allow yourself to change that. Stick to it! Vacations are ok. If you want to work out every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, put it on there. And do it. This is all Part One of the process. Part Two is execution. I haven’t gotten there yet. But I’m a go-getter, so I feel confident I’ll do it.

Nana, the Turtle

I went to visit a friend in another city this past week. It was a lot of fun. She has a great big apartment. I was a little jealous. But that isn't what I want to write about. It was a really joyous time. I loved getting to hear about her heart and share my own with her. It was really great to hear about the lessons she's learned here and what she hopes to take back with her. I felt like we talked about EVERYTHING. Like every possible topic. And even though I'm an introvert, I process externally. She just inspired me and refreshed me. I felt so encouraged through our time together. We found out we both had done the same summer program. And I think she went to school with the brother of another friend here. We talked about boys, decisions and guidance about the future, doubts and new found trust, friends, family, going home, language study, teaching, people we meet with, peace, praises, culture things, and crazy Asian things. Things we love and things not at the top of the love list. I think it's really rare that you meet a person and connect so quickly with them. It will be really fun/great to see her again in May. She also introduced me to some local noodles which were out of this world. SO GOOD. We also stopped by her favorite coffee shop. I loved it. It was fun to be shown her city by her. I'm kind of a mug collector and she helped me find one. It was just a really good time. Around 5 it was time for me to head home. It was refreshing and fun to travel alone on the way home. Some people might be leary of it. But I kind of like it. And I just feel proud and comfortable that I knew exactly where I was going and how to get there. The video has photos of her apartment, mine, noodles, the coffee shop, a local toilet (just in case you've never seen one), the bus, and a prank that was pulled on me. My national friends have always tried to punk me and others before. But they don't really know how. One idea they had come up with was putting a bag over someone's head. I think they just didn't know what to do, or where to draw the line. I think they had a little help this time. I got home around 1030. My apartment was kind of a mess. So, I cleaned stuff up and unpacked. Then I was getting ready for bed and noticed a note and a funny bag with pellets. I skimmed the note and then held my breath. I thought they had put something terrible in my bed. I throw back the blankets and...nothing. I read the note again. "...share the bathroom." Oh no!!! I go to the bathroom and expect a fish in my toilet. Nope. A turtle in my shower. Hahahahaha! I couldn't believe it. I thought it was dead at first. But it was very much alive. So, I called my crazy friends and congratulated them on punking me. All in all, this past holiday break was good.

Kathy

My sweet friend Kathy is kind of a heart breaker. To be honest, she's pretty cute and has quite a charming way about her. We've been meeting one-on-one for about a year and a half now. Her growth has been slow, but strong. Once her mind is made up, there's no changing it.

Her most recent dilemma is falling in love with someone who isn't a believer. This isn't the first time this has happened. She's spent a lot of one-on-one time with him and they talk pretty often. I warned her about this before because too much one-on-one time with a boy could lead to some confusing feelings for her and/or him.

She knew all the pros and cons of course. And most importantly, that she shouldn't date him because he wasn't a believer. We've discussed this topic of dating or not dating him for two weeks now.

Tonight, she told me the man was super persistent and she felt like she needed to either date him or cut all ties with him. I told her that was a good idea. I also told her I thought it would be a good idea to make a deadline. She said a week. So, I did a quick prayer for her while walking home.

FOUR HOURS LATER

She called to say she made her decision. I was a little worried about what she was about to say. BUT she told me that she made the decision to seperate herself for him! I was sooooooo excited! I know it's a hard decision to make when your feelings are all out of whack, but I was sooooo proud of her. I congratulated her and then she told me she felt like a "stone has been taken from my heart." She felt relaxed and happy about the decision.

Well done, Kathy, well done :)