Boundaries and Margin

A couple weeks ago, I went to Thailand and met and re-connected with some incredible people. I was encouraged, challenged, refined, humbled and loved. Deeply. We are often so busy doing our own work, we rarely remember each other or make time to catch up. Or at least, that’s the case for me. Out of sight, out of mind. One of the lessons I took away from Thailand was about boundaries and margin.

Spring 2014 was grueling. It was wonderful. But grueling. I was challenged in ways I didn’t know needed stretching. Father brushed away some cobwebs and dusted the crannies of forgotten parts of my heart. Well, parts I had forgotten about, not that He had. 

I can honestly say and see that I was on the verge of “burnout.” I didn’t realize it at the time. I just felt tired, empty, useless and ineffective. While in Thailand, I learned that was a symptom of a life without boundaries and margin.

Boundaries: a limit, imaginary line or unofficial rule of what can and cannot be done. Acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. 

Margin: a reserve, extra time, money, supplies or space used in a the time of need for you or others. (You should have a DAILY reserve. A little extra time every day for you.)

See the difference in boundaries and margin? I didn’t at first. Boundaries are guidelines for your personal life and work life. What are you willing to do and not do? How much can you invest in something or someone? Margin is extra time/money/space for extra stuff that might come up. Is your schedule so full that you don’t have breaks? Do you have free time? Are you always running from one thing to another?

Don’t forget to communicate these boundaries and margins. You should be able to say “no” to things/people in love. When you have decided to cut something out, stick with that decision. But say “no” with love. Hopefully, this will also help you say “yes” in confidence. You will know you have extra time, money or space to help an out an unexpected friend. Or if something fun comes up, you have the ability to say “yes” with out having to cancel something else or move things around. Do not suffer from the “Disease to Please.”

Consequences of no boundaries/margin

1. Burnout
2. Stress-related disease
3. Relationship problems
4. Lack of productiveness
5. Lower quality of life, work and overall satisfaction
6. Eventually results in a chaotic life
7. Potentially career-ending

Rewards of boundaries/margin

1. At your personal potential
2. Have reserves to help people
3. Healthier relationships
4. Good example to others
5. Sustainable life and work/ministry

So, now you see the benefits and dangers of boundaries and margin. How do you make it happen? Here’s how! Make 3 lists. List EVERYTHING that takes up your time, all things that keep you busy.

God-given Obligations

These things are nonnegotiable.

Things might include; a quiet time, a Sabbath, worship, exercise, sleep, ministry, work, etc.

If this list is bigger than all the others, something is wrong. Maybe you are carrying a burden that’s not yours to carry. Maybe it’s time to ask for help. Maybe you need to delegate some things.

Expectations

These things are negotiable.

There are expectations others may have for you; going to dinner, hanging out, babysitting, work parties, event planning, etc.

There are expectations you have for yourself; meeting with a certain number of people a week, following-up on certain relationships, planning, weight loss goals, etc.

Are these things realistic? Are these things binding? Are these things worth your time and effort? Can you really do those things?

Some things might have to be cut out. That’s why they are negotiable!

Bucket List

Things you hope to do this month, this year, the next 5 years!

It’s always good to have dreams and ambitions.

This can be fun stuff; travel, learning a language, learning how to play an instrument, etc.

Okay, now you have lists and categories and you’re organized. What’s next? Planning!!!

Print off some calendars; daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Do what works for you! If you are good with a weekly plan, do that. If you are a little more detailed, do it daily-style. If you know you want to take a vacation in January, put it in there. Don’t allow yourself to change that. Stick to it! Vacations are ok. If you want to work out every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, put it on there. And do it. This is all Part One of the process. Part Two is execution. I haven’t gotten there yet. But I’m a go-getter, so I feel confident I’ll do it.

My Cousin Vinnie

Do you remember that movie? I don't remember much. But I remember the title. I think someone was on trial and he had a crazy cousin from the Bronx that was going to be his lawyer. Anyways...

This is my friend, Vinnie.

He is just a pleasure. I loved having him in my class and loved how active and inquisitive he was in the Bible class I taught. And last Spring, we studied further in the Bible with several other girls. This past Fall, the tradition continued and we all studied together again. However, this Spring, they had to get real and do an internship in order to graduate. So, in December 2013, we all had dinner together and said good-bye until graduation in July of 2014.

I prayed for him and the others off and on over the past months. But that was about it. Then I got a text.

Wait. A little back story: In Spring of 2012, he completed my Oral English course. At the end of the oral final, a small group discussion, he asked, "Did you give me a bad grade because I'm gay?"

I was a little shocked and stricken. But I smiled and replied, "Vinnie, you received a bad grade because you weren't a good student. I LOVED having you in class. When you came. But you rarely came and sometimes, you would play on your phone the whole time. Do you think coming to class half the time and playing on your phone deserves a good grade for an Oral English class?"

He laughed. "Okay, okay. I understand."

"Honestly, I never knew you were gay. I thought, maybe. But until you said something NOW, I assumed you weren't. It's rude to make assumptions based on appearance or actions that may not mean anything."

"Thank you, Nila. Wow. You have such principles."

Fast forward to June 2014: Our text conversation...

Vinnie:
my dear Lina, thank you for teaching me the Bible and I do enjoy the days when we talk about everything related to christianity .I leart a lot of things from you and I cherrish it very much. I am back home now ,because something terrible is  happening to me ！I beg that you can pray for me by the name of God and I do hope you can have a good life wherever you are！  from your lovely Vinnie！

Me:
Oh Vinnie!!! You are a dear dear DEAR friend. I will definitely pray for you! Thank you for asking! I'm sorry to hear your bad news. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. And if you ever want to talk, I'm always ready to listen 

Vinnie:
maybe it is not the right time to tell you that and actully I dare not tell you . I got a terrible disease which will kill me gradually , but if i take pills everyday i can have a normal life as you have！ I know you are a nice girl who i can trust,so i want to share my secret with you and it will realax me a lot！ dont ask me what disease i am with now,i will tell you when necessary.what i want now is your praying and a normal life. i hope that i can see you again in the future！

Me:
Ok. I will still pray for you. And I will wait for you to tell me your secret when you are ready. I hope you know I will accept anything. I think you are a very good friend of mine 

Vinnie:
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) i need to have a rest.good night,my friend！

Venus, Mars, Jupiter…

Venus is one of my former students. We spent gobs and gobs of time together when I was her teacher. She was currently obsessed with a male upperclassman at that time. After she moved on to her junior year, we still meet monthly. But Kevin, a female sophomore at that time, would join us. Finally, about Christmas time, she wanted to have a serious conversation. We met and she told me about how Kevin wanted to be more than just friends. I wasn’t shocked, but saddened. 

Venus’ reasons for entering into a homosexual relationship:

• Kevin was really kind.
• They were really comfortable together.
• They knew each other for a long time.
• It would be like a normal relationship.
• She is like a man.
• She just wanted to try it.
• She eventually would get married to a man.
• She wanted to have a baby and her parents expected her to get married and have a kid.
• She was still attracted to men, but just wanted to see what a homosexual relationship was like and didn’t see what the harm was.

My reasons for NOT entering into a homosexual relationship:

• God created man and woman for each other.
• It was unnatural. There was no way for them to have babies.
• No matter how much Kevin acted like a man, talked like a man, dressed like a man, SHE was a SHE.
• Men and women are meant to balance each other out.
• It wasn’t going to go beyond college.
• If it did go beyond college, gay marriage is NOT accepted in China, what then?
• If it wasn’t going to go beyond college, why even engage in it?
• It was going to have repercussions in her future.
• What would her future husband think?
• People were going to judge her for being so flippant about her sexuality.
• What were her parents going to think?

After several dinner dates and conversations, going over the same things, she decided to go for it. Going into her senior year and Kevin’s junior year, they were still together and we still had dinner or coffee monthly. They even met my mom when she came to visit in October 2013. We have celebrated birthday together this year. But several times over the year, Venus and I meet separately to talk about the problems she and Kevin were having.

Present Day: We just met this week for coffee. She said she wanted to have some girl talk. I knew that meant Kevin Talk. I braced myself and prayed constantly the day before we met until we met.

Several weeks before she had travelled to a university in another province for an interview for grad school. She got in and was really excited about it. BUT she didn’t know what to do about Kevin. 

Questions I posed for her:

• Did you want to have a long-distance relationship?
• No. We have been having so many problems and I am tired of trying and being more mature than her.
• So, how will you break up with her?
• I don’t know. Some of my friends suggested I just slowly push her away. Just say I don’t have time, I have too much homework or something when I go to grad school.
• Why wouldn’t you do it sooner?
• I don’t want to be so cruel. I think it is terrible if I just tell her I don’t want to be with her anymore. And if I break up now, I will just feel sad and lonely and get back together.
• Don’t you think it’s selfish to stay together? You don’t love her, if you really loved her, you would let her go and move on.
• You are right. I don’t love her. And I will get married someday. To a man.
• Why would you want to stay friends after you break up?
• It seems so cruel to not communicate after being together so long. We can still be friends.