Gloria

Gloria has really taken charge of her own faith. Before she left for winter break, she was unsure if she was truly a believer. I asked her to share her experience with me. I came to the conclusion that she was a genuine believer. I also asked her the "3 Questions" I'm kind of known for asking students.

1. Do you believe you have sin? Do you believe you have offended God and disobeyed Him?
2. Do you believe Jesus can erase your sin through his life and death? Do you want his forgiveness to cover you?
3. Do you want to commit your life to God and be faithful to Him always and only?

She answered yes to all the questions. And was kind of shocked that how easy the whole process was. I told her if she believed all those things to be true and wanted to commit her life to Jesus, then all she had to do was believe it in her heart and affirm it with her mouth. She did. She's been blossoming ever since!

(Gloria is on the right. Yvonne is on the left.)

Starting in March, she and others have been reading James together. Coco asked, "How can God make us stronger and give us peace?" Gloria wanted to share a personal story.

Gloria shared about how she always felt guilty going to the temple and bowing down when she believed in God. She never felt like she could stand up to her parents. After she made her confession verbally, she felt much more strong spiritually. She told us how she stood up to her parents over the winter break. She felt great peace and power. Like she could do anything! She feels stronger and stronger each day. She was not disrespectful, but lovingly said no, that she would not go to the temple and bow down. She would not burn incense. She would not give offerings.

Listening to her story and her witness to the other students almost brought me to tears. She has such a sweet soul. She's so gentle and kind. She could've been disowned from her parents, it could've caused a lot of drama and conflict. But she stood her ground. This is a great difficulty for many brothers and sisters in Asia. Many festivals and holidays are focused around the afterlife and worshiping ancestors or temple activities.

I'm excited to continually be a part of Gloria’s growth and just watch her blossom. I'm not doing anything. It's all the Spirit alive inside her.

Mandy

This story is from a couple weeks ago with my Sunday afternoon Bible study with Mandy and Sherry. Mandy is on the left and Sherry is on the right.

Sherry asked the question "What do Christians think about luck?"

I said Christians don't believe in luck. Or they shouldn't. They believe everything is God's plan. Whether it is good or bad. Some people might say that Bryant and I meeting was lucky; being in the right place at the right time. But I believe it was God's plan that we should meet each other.

Then Mandy asked if she could share a personal story. I said of course.

But before I tell you a story she told I should give you a little background. There are more than 55 people groups in China. Meaning they're all Chinese, but there of a different ethnic backgrounds. Their language, culture, customs festivals, and traditions all differ a little bit. There are two groups that seemingly always are having conflict. Xinjiang people and Han people. Xinjiang people are closer to Muslim culture than Chinese culture. Han Chinese people are the majority in China.

On to Mandy. She told us about how she was traveling to another city with her father. They were in the train station. Literally the next day there was a riot where Xinjiang people killed many Han. In that exact same train station at the exact same place that her and her father where the previous day. She also told Sherry and I that every time she travels she prays that Father would keep her safe. She went on to explain and express that she doesn't think it's just luck that they weren't killed. She doesn't think it's just luck that they were there the day before not the day of this riot. She is sure and confident that that was the Lord's providence that they were kept safe.

It is always fun and such a tremendous joy to see fellow sisters share their own life experiences with non-believers!

Keep praying for Sherry. When I asked her this week, "If there is a scale of 1 to 10. One is you don't believe there is a god. And Jesus wasn't real. Ten is you believe fully in the Bible. Where are you?"

She said, "Five. I think I am a five. I don't know what I think yet."

Brea

Our meeting started as usual. We got right to work. Or I did. This is our thing: I make some baked good. She videos me and asks questions. Then we wait. I make coffee. And we eat the baked good. Then it gets to the good stuff. We talk about God, Christianity, beliefs, philosophy, boys, life, friends, etc.

This Saturday wasn’t any different. Or at first glance, anyway. We, as in I, made the cheesecake and since I was out of coffee beans, she brought coffee for us. 

Then the conversation began. But let's back up. June 2014 she had told me she had made a decision to become a follower of Baha’i. I have to admit, I don’t know the ins and outs of Baha’i, but what I do know doesn’t make sense. Since June, I was under the impression that things were pretty set in stone and I wasn’t sure how much I was going to invest in her. But a recent discussion in my Bible class made her feel insecure about our friendship. A student had asked me what I thought about Baha’i. I made sure to preface what I said with, “This is just my opinion.” I went on to say how ridiculous it all seems. Baha’i says all beliefs lead to the same god. How can one, two or even three different beliefs being saying the same thing? A lot of belief are based on works; doing good things, being a good person. But Christianity’s base is in faith. It’s not what we do, but what Jesus has done for us. He’s sacrificed his perfect body, mind and soul for us. We deserve punishment and banishment from God, but he took that for us. We are therefore exempt. 

As we began to talk, she revealed she was still searching. She feels lost and frustrated. She doesn’t want to be in the middle. She wants to make a choice. But she wants to make the right choice.

Heaven and Hell.

Christianity is clear. Those who believe in Jesus and follow Him are going to be with Him forever in Heaven. Those who don’t are going to a Lake of Fire, aka. Hell.

Baha’i has a more fluid belief about eternity. There is no hell. The more developed your virtues (honesty, kindness, etc.) are the closer you are to God. The less developed your virtues are the further away from God you are. The more developed you are, the more complete your spiritual body will be. I posed the question, “So, there is no punishment for people?” Her response was, “Being far from God is a punishment. It’s like Hell.”
Me - “But people that don’t care about God and virtues, don’t care if they are close or far from God. So, there is or isn't a Hell?”
Brea - “It’s like Hell, but God is sad if the people are not close to him.”
Me - “But if the people don’t care, it doesn’t matter if they are close or far away from God.”
Brea - "But it will make God sad."
Me - "But they don't care if God is sad."

Virtues/Good Works vs. Faith in Jesus and what He has done

Of course we had to hit this topic. She insisted that developing kindness and honesty and other good character qualities was not self-centered. She said developing those virtues was actually focused on God. I told her it sounded like Baha’i was centered on self-development.

But Christianity was centered on what Jesus had done for people. His sacrifice compels people to show him honor, praise and please Him. But ultimately, what we do is “filthy rags” to Him.

She reiterated that the development of virtues is about God. I asked how.
Brea - “Because we want to become better people. So, then we can deserve God.”
Me - “See that is a huge difference in Christianity. We deserve death because of our sin. Baha’i doesn’t say anything about being enemies with God. It doesn’t say that people have disobeyed Him. We don't deserve to live. We deserve death. But God is gracious. He erases our sin, if we believe in Jesus’ sacrifice for us.”

Different messengers with one message from one god

Baha’i says that different “deities” or religious leaders (Muhammed, Jesus, Buddha, etc.) have the same message to share and are different messengers sent for one god. I started with the statement that all those different leaders had different messages. Muhammad said you had to follow the pillars of faith. Hinduism says try and try again until you reach the highest level of enlightenment. Jesus says I love you and I want to take your punishment for you so that you can live. None of those are the same message.

Brea - “But the essence is the same.”
Me - “What essence? They all have a message, but all their messages are different. They can’t all be real or true.”
Brea - “God is the essence of all those messengers.”
Me - “Then why does the message change? In Christianity, God is the same. God is constant. He is faithful. He is loyal. He doesn’t change. People do. He sent many messengers, prophets. They all said the same thing. The Bible is consistent. But different religions have different messages. That's why they aren’t the same.”

Venus, a stellar person, not planet

This post is a little late. But I have to "finish" the story. In tears.

Venus. Oh goodness, do I love that girl! Hence the tears. She is someone I will forever keep in contact with. And forever remember.

She's spunky, opinionated, cute, gutsy, crazy, kind, deep, thoughtful, stubborn, loving, loud and much much more.

Our last meeting was in June. She came over to my apartment for one last chat. I have always enjoyed talking to her.  The variety and depth or our conversations over the past 3 years is quite amazing. We never seem to run out of things to say. The topics of our last chat were Kevin, sex and dating in grad school.

Kevin. If you don't know who Kevin is, you should check out this post or this post. She had finally broke it off with Kevin, who was her lesbian girlfriend for the past 2 and a half years. She had debated for a while about when to do it, next term or this summer. She thought a slower break (over a couple of months) would be easier to accept. But they had a calm, collected conversation and "mutually" decided it was time to end their relationship. She wasn't broken up about it at all. She was revealed to be finished with it. She had become irritated and annoyed with Kevin's immaturity level and neediness and carelessness and lack of dependability. I told her some of that was Kevin's age and some of that was expectations that couldn't be met in another person. She was looking for love, stability, and fulfillment in a person. That was only going to lead her to heartache and disappointment. I reminded her I believed what she was looking for could only be found in God. Even if she found a man she thought was perfect, he was going to fail her, disappoint her, or anger her at some point in time. That ache/desire in her heart was only going to be fulfilled through God. She heard it all before and listened and understood. But ultimately, said she thought she could still have a good and happy marriage with out God or belief.

Dating. She had so many questions for me. What would I do and not do with my boyfriend, physically. What kind of things would we talk about. Just to clarify, my students all know I had a boyfriend in high school and college. I've shared various stories with them. Some of her questions were hypotheticals. Let me go on a tangent for a moment. Another thing to note is the maturity of level of college students in China. I may have said this before, but they are considerably less mature than the average American student. They don't usually pay for their tuition, food, cellphone bill, dorm fees, etc. They rely primarily on their parents. Some might rely on them less, but over all that isn't the case. Some might have a part time job. But most of them don't. Their parents believe they should focus on school.  SO, when I talk about boys and dating and sex, they get all sorts of giggly. They snicker and can't seem to help but cover their mouth in shock and awe of what I say. Venus, isn't that way. So, I shared some of the naive physical boundaries my boyfriend of the past and I had. She was intrigued. She said, "How can you stick to them so strictly, Nila?" I laughed. I said, "Sometimes, it wasn't easy. And, to be honest, most of the time, I had to say 'Stop' or 'That isn't ok.' I think men and women see and feel physical things very differently." I also told her said boyfriend and I were friends for about a year before we dated and we dated for about a 1 year and a half to 2 years. She was really surprised. It's not uncommon for Chinese to date 4-5 years before tying the knot. She said most people that date that long will stay together. I told her I stayed with him too long. I should have broken up earlier. About a year after dating, I was sure I wasn't going to marry him. Even after time and growth, it just wasn't going to work out. I encouraged her to know what she is willing to accept and what she's not. And if she needs to change those expectations from time to time, it's okay. But if she really can't accept smoking or lack of independence from family, then she should wait. Of course, it's "easy" for me to say all this. I'm American. There's "little to no pressure" for me to get married or have kids. But Asian families and parents are very opinionated and put a lot of pressure on their youngsters. She said she doesn't mind waiting, but she's not sure how her family will accept that idea. But she was very excited to see and meet new people in grad school. And possibly find the love of her life! There were endless opportunities in grad school.

Sex. Hahaha! I honestly can't remember how we came to this topic, but we did. I think I asked her what she would do if her boyfriend was pressuring her to have sex. I have heard this from so many young Chinese girls. They don't want to have sex. But they fear their boyfriends will leave them and find someone else. Which may very well be true. She said, very confidently, "I will never have sex with my boyfriend. I don't think it's ok. Girls should protect themselves. They should have confidence. And if my boyfriend tries to pressure me, I will say no. And if her continues for a long time, I don't need him. Maybe he's not right for me." Bravo! I love her tenacity. She expressed her thoughts about how sex is very intimate and special. She does not want to do it with everyone. She would like to wait to get married. I felt happy for her. To be so sure and so secure in her convictions. I wonder, if she will feel the same when/if the situation arises.


I hope to go visit her at some point. She is studying in a place that is called "Spring City" in Chinese. I've been there before and it has wonderful weather and lots of foreign goods. I suppose I could make some time to go ;)

Boundaries and Margin

A couple weeks ago, I went to Thailand and met and re-connected with some incredible people. I was encouraged, challenged, refined, humbled and loved. Deeply. We are often so busy doing our own work, we rarely remember each other or make time to catch up. Or at least, that’s the case for me. Out of sight, out of mind. One of the lessons I took away from Thailand was about boundaries and margin.

Spring 2014 was grueling. It was wonderful. But grueling. I was challenged in ways I didn’t know needed stretching. Father brushed away some cobwebs and dusted the crannies of forgotten parts of my heart. Well, parts I had forgotten about, not that He had. 

I can honestly say and see that I was on the verge of “burnout.” I didn’t realize it at the time. I just felt tired, empty, useless and ineffective. While in Thailand, I learned that was a symptom of a life without boundaries and margin.

Boundaries: a limit, imaginary line or unofficial rule of what can and cannot be done. Acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. 

Margin: a reserve, extra time, money, supplies or space used in a the time of need for you or others. (You should have a DAILY reserve. A little extra time every day for you.)

See the difference in boundaries and margin? I didn’t at first. Boundaries are guidelines for your personal life and work life. What are you willing to do and not do? How much can you invest in something or someone? Margin is extra time/money/space for extra stuff that might come up. Is your schedule so full that you don’t have breaks? Do you have free time? Are you always running from one thing to another?

Don’t forget to communicate these boundaries and margins. You should be able to say “no” to things/people in love. When you have decided to cut something out, stick with that decision. But say “no” with love. Hopefully, this will also help you say “yes” in confidence. You will know you have extra time, money or space to help an out an unexpected friend. Or if something fun comes up, you have the ability to say “yes” with out having to cancel something else or move things around. Do not suffer from the “Disease to Please.”

Consequences of no boundaries/margin

1. Burnout
2. Stress-related disease
3. Relationship problems
4. Lack of productiveness
5. Lower quality of life, work and overall satisfaction
6. Eventually results in a chaotic life
7. Potentially career-ending

Rewards of boundaries/margin

1. At your personal potential
2. Have reserves to help people
3. Healthier relationships
4. Good example to others
5. Sustainable life and work/ministry

So, now you see the benefits and dangers of boundaries and margin. How do you make it happen? Here’s how! Make 3 lists. List EVERYTHING that takes up your time, all things that keep you busy.

God-given Obligations

These things are nonnegotiable.

Things might include; a quiet time, a Sabbath, worship, exercise, sleep, ministry, work, etc.

If this list is bigger than all the others, something is wrong. Maybe you are carrying a burden that’s not yours to carry. Maybe it’s time to ask for help. Maybe you need to delegate some things.

Expectations

These things are negotiable.

There are expectations others may have for you; going to dinner, hanging out, babysitting, work parties, event planning, etc.

There are expectations you have for yourself; meeting with a certain number of people a week, following-up on certain relationships, planning, weight loss goals, etc.

Are these things realistic? Are these things binding? Are these things worth your time and effort? Can you really do those things?

Some things might have to be cut out. That’s why they are negotiable!

Bucket List

Things you hope to do this month, this year, the next 5 years!

It’s always good to have dreams and ambitions.

This can be fun stuff; travel, learning a language, learning how to play an instrument, etc.

Okay, now you have lists and categories and you’re organized. What’s next? Planning!!!

Print off some calendars; daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Do what works for you! If you are good with a weekly plan, do that. If you are a little more detailed, do it daily-style. If you know you want to take a vacation in January, put it in there. Don’t allow yourself to change that. Stick to it! Vacations are ok. If you want to work out every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, put it on there. And do it. This is all Part One of the process. Part Two is execution. I haven’t gotten there yet. But I’m a go-getter, so I feel confident I’ll do it.

Venus, Mars, Jupiter…

Venus is one of my former students. We spent gobs and gobs of time together when I was her teacher. She was currently obsessed with a male upperclassman at that time. After she moved on to her junior year, we still meet monthly. But Kevin, a female sophomore at that time, would join us. Finally, about Christmas time, she wanted to have a serious conversation. We met and she told me about how Kevin wanted to be more than just friends. I wasn’t shocked, but saddened. 

Venus’ reasons for entering into a homosexual relationship:

• Kevin was really kind.
• They were really comfortable together.
• They knew each other for a long time.
• It would be like a normal relationship.
• She is like a man.
• She just wanted to try it.
• She eventually would get married to a man.
• She wanted to have a baby and her parents expected her to get married and have a kid.
• She was still attracted to men, but just wanted to see what a homosexual relationship was like and didn’t see what the harm was.

My reasons for NOT entering into a homosexual relationship:

• God created man and woman for each other.
• It was unnatural. There was no way for them to have babies.
• No matter how much Kevin acted like a man, talked like a man, dressed like a man, SHE was a SHE.
• Men and women are meant to balance each other out.
• It wasn’t going to go beyond college.
• If it did go beyond college, gay marriage is NOT accepted in China, what then?
• If it wasn’t going to go beyond college, why even engage in it?
• It was going to have repercussions in her future.
• What would her future husband think?
• People were going to judge her for being so flippant about her sexuality.
• What were her parents going to think?

After several dinner dates and conversations, going over the same things, she decided to go for it. Going into her senior year and Kevin’s junior year, they were still together and we still had dinner or coffee monthly. They even met my mom when she came to visit in October 2013. We have celebrated birthday together this year. But several times over the year, Venus and I meet separately to talk about the problems she and Kevin were having.

Present Day: We just met this week for coffee. She said she wanted to have some girl talk. I knew that meant Kevin Talk. I braced myself and prayed constantly the day before we met until we met.

Several weeks before she had travelled to a university in another province for an interview for grad school. She got in and was really excited about it. BUT she didn’t know what to do about Kevin. 

Questions I posed for her:

• Did you want to have a long-distance relationship?
• No. We have been having so many problems and I am tired of trying and being more mature than her.
• So, how will you break up with her?
• I don’t know. Some of my friends suggested I just slowly push her away. Just say I don’t have time, I have too much homework or something when I go to grad school.
• Why wouldn’t you do it sooner?
• I don’t want to be so cruel. I think it is terrible if I just tell her I don’t want to be with her anymore. And if I break up now, I will just feel sad and lonely and get back together.
• Don’t you think it’s selfish to stay together? You don’t love her, if you really loved her, you would let her go and move on.
• You are right. I don’t love her. And I will get married someday. To a man.
• Why would you want to stay friends after you break up?
• It seems so cruel to not communicate after being together so long. We can still be friends.