Venus, a stellar person, not planet

This post is a little late. But I have to "finish" the story. In tears.

Venus. Oh goodness, do I love that girl! Hence the tears. She is someone I will forever keep in contact with. And forever remember.

She's spunky, opinionated, cute, gutsy, crazy, kind, deep, thoughtful, stubborn, loving, loud and much much more.

Our last meeting was in June. She came over to my apartment for one last chat. I have always enjoyed talking to her.  The variety and depth or our conversations over the past 3 years is quite amazing. We never seem to run out of things to say. The topics of our last chat were Kevin, sex and dating in grad school.

Kevin. If you don't know who Kevin is, you should check out this post or this post. She had finally broke it off with Kevin, who was her lesbian girlfriend for the past 2 and a half years. She had debated for a while about when to do it, next term or this summer. She thought a slower break (over a couple of months) would be easier to accept. But they had a calm, collected conversation and "mutually" decided it was time to end their relationship. She wasn't broken up about it at all. She was revealed to be finished with it. She had become irritated and annoyed with Kevin's immaturity level and neediness and carelessness and lack of dependability. I told her some of that was Kevin's age and some of that was expectations that couldn't be met in another person. She was looking for love, stability, and fulfillment in a person. That was only going to lead her to heartache and disappointment. I reminded her I believed what she was looking for could only be found in God. Even if she found a man she thought was perfect, he was going to fail her, disappoint her, or anger her at some point in time. That ache/desire in her heart was only going to be fulfilled through God. She heard it all before and listened and understood. But ultimately, said she thought she could still have a good and happy marriage with out God or belief.

Dating. She had so many questions for me. What would I do and not do with my boyfriend, physically. What kind of things would we talk about. Just to clarify, my students all know I had a boyfriend in high school and college. I've shared various stories with them. Some of her questions were hypotheticals. Let me go on a tangent for a moment. Another thing to note is the maturity of level of college students in China. I may have said this before, but they are considerably less mature than the average American student. They don't usually pay for their tuition, food, cellphone bill, dorm fees, etc. They rely primarily on their parents. Some might rely on them less, but over all that isn't the case. Some might have a part time job. But most of them don't. Their parents believe they should focus on school.  SO, when I talk about boys and dating and sex, they get all sorts of giggly. They snicker and can't seem to help but cover their mouth in shock and awe of what I say. Venus, isn't that way. So, I shared some of the naive physical boundaries my boyfriend of the past and I had. She was intrigued. She said, "How can you stick to them so strictly, Nila?" I laughed. I said, "Sometimes, it wasn't easy. And, to be honest, most of the time, I had to say 'Stop' or 'That isn't ok.' I think men and women see and feel physical things very differently." I also told her said boyfriend and I were friends for about a year before we dated and we dated for about a 1 year and a half to 2 years. She was really surprised. It's not uncommon for Chinese to date 4-5 years before tying the knot. She said most people that date that long will stay together. I told her I stayed with him too long. I should have broken up earlier. About a year after dating, I was sure I wasn't going to marry him. Even after time and growth, it just wasn't going to work out. I encouraged her to know what she is willing to accept and what she's not. And if she needs to change those expectations from time to time, it's okay. But if she really can't accept smoking or lack of independence from family, then she should wait. Of course, it's "easy" for me to say all this. I'm American. There's "little to no pressure" for me to get married or have kids. But Asian families and parents are very opinionated and put a lot of pressure on their youngsters. She said she doesn't mind waiting, but she's not sure how her family will accept that idea. But she was very excited to see and meet new people in grad school. And possibly find the love of her life! There were endless opportunities in grad school.

Sex. Hahaha! I honestly can't remember how we came to this topic, but we did. I think I asked her what she would do if her boyfriend was pressuring her to have sex. I have heard this from so many young Chinese girls. They don't want to have sex. But they fear their boyfriends will leave them and find someone else. Which may very well be true. She said, very confidently, "I will never have sex with my boyfriend. I don't think it's ok. Girls should protect themselves. They should have confidence. And if my boyfriend tries to pressure me, I will say no. And if her continues for a long time, I don't need him. Maybe he's not right for me." Bravo! I love her tenacity. She expressed her thoughts about how sex is very intimate and special. She does not want to do it with everyone. She would like to wait to get married. I felt happy for her. To be so sure and so secure in her convictions. I wonder, if she will feel the same when/if the situation arises.


I hope to go visit her at some point. She is studying in a place that is called "Spring City" in Chinese. I've been there before and it has wonderful weather and lots of foreign goods. I suppose I could make some time to go ;)

Venus, Mars, Jupiter…

Venus is one of my former students. We spent gobs and gobs of time together when I was her teacher. She was currently obsessed with a male upperclassman at that time. After she moved on to her junior year, we still meet monthly. But Kevin, a female sophomore at that time, would join us. Finally, about Christmas time, she wanted to have a serious conversation. We met and she told me about how Kevin wanted to be more than just friends. I wasn’t shocked, but saddened. 

Venus’ reasons for entering into a homosexual relationship:

• Kevin was really kind.
• They were really comfortable together.
• They knew each other for a long time.
• It would be like a normal relationship.
• She is like a man.
• She just wanted to try it.
• She eventually would get married to a man.
• She wanted to have a baby and her parents expected her to get married and have a kid.
• She was still attracted to men, but just wanted to see what a homosexual relationship was like and didn’t see what the harm was.

My reasons for NOT entering into a homosexual relationship:

• God created man and woman for each other.
• It was unnatural. There was no way for them to have babies.
• No matter how much Kevin acted like a man, talked like a man, dressed like a man, SHE was a SHE.
• Men and women are meant to balance each other out.
• It wasn’t going to go beyond college.
• If it did go beyond college, gay marriage is NOT accepted in China, what then?
• If it wasn’t going to go beyond college, why even engage in it?
• It was going to have repercussions in her future.
• What would her future husband think?
• People were going to judge her for being so flippant about her sexuality.
• What were her parents going to think?

After several dinner dates and conversations, going over the same things, she decided to go for it. Going into her senior year and Kevin’s junior year, they were still together and we still had dinner or coffee monthly. They even met my mom when she came to visit in October 2013. We have celebrated birthday together this year. But several times over the year, Venus and I meet separately to talk about the problems she and Kevin were having.

Present Day: We just met this week for coffee. She said she wanted to have some girl talk. I knew that meant Kevin Talk. I braced myself and prayed constantly the day before we met until we met.

Several weeks before she had travelled to a university in another province for an interview for grad school. She got in and was really excited about it. BUT she didn’t know what to do about Kevin. 

Questions I posed for her:

• Did you want to have a long-distance relationship?
• No. We have been having so many problems and I am tired of trying and being more mature than her.
• So, how will you break up with her?
• I don’t know. Some of my friends suggested I just slowly push her away. Just say I don’t have time, I have too much homework or something when I go to grad school.
• Why wouldn’t you do it sooner?
• I don’t want to be so cruel. I think it is terrible if I just tell her I don’t want to be with her anymore. And if I break up now, I will just feel sad and lonely and get back together.
• Don’t you think it’s selfish to stay together? You don’t love her, if you really loved her, you would let her go and move on.
• You are right. I don’t love her. And I will get married someday. To a man.
• Why would you want to stay friends after you break up?
• It seems so cruel to not communicate after being together so long. We can still be friends.

Kids say the darnedest things...

As my taxi pulled in to my city, I had a rush of excitement in my heart. Familiar signs, characters, places and people were all around. Ok. In a city of 1.5 million, I wasn't really seeing familiar faces. But the swarm of Asians was comforting. I was anxious to be in my apartment again and unpack.

My super awesome friend, Sarah was waiting for me. She's the sweetest. She had bought me dinner and a drink and anxiously awaited stories and hugs. We chatted and caught up as I scrambled around unpacking.

After she left, I settled into the silence around me. After two months in America, it was soothing to hear...nothing. My apartment felt SO small after living in the giant homes of the USA. I decided to cuddle with my beloved Edith to detox from the stress, anxiety and hours of traveling (33 hours to be exact). I popped in The Avengers and tried my darnedest to pay attention and stay awake. I told myself I would stay up until 9. Half way through the movie I told myself 8:30. By 7:45, I was hoping to make it just 15 more minutes. But at 8:00 pm, I was cozy in my bed and fell asleep before Harry even blow up his aunt Margaret (I fall asleep to Harry Potter movies, among others).

Monday morning was rough. I took an hour nap, even though it went against all my jet-lagging beliefs. I knew I needed some Z's if I was going to make it through afternoon classes. And boy am I glad I did.

Here are gems from Q&A time this week talking about American taboo topics: politics, religion and sex.

Is sex great?
Have you had sex before?
Did your boyfriend pressure you to have sex?
How did you become a Christian?
Are there special requirements to pray?
Do you think anything happened between Obama and Beyoncé?
Are there witches in America?
Have you even been in a demonstration?
Have you been in the White House?
How would you feel if your husband has a lot of sex experience?
Will you have sex before marriage?
Have you ever supported a war?
How do you feel about America monitoring other countries' Internet?

I'm also teaching an English freshman class. Here are some quality comments from them:

You like cooking. I like eating.
I am so lucky to have a beautiful, cute, elegant teacher.
I hope we can be friends.
Modern Family is one of my favorite shows.
Do you have QQ?
Are you married?
What about a boyfriend?
Do you want to find a Chinese husband?

This is Venus.

This is Venus. She is one of my favorite students and very good friends. She is a junior and an English major. I thought I had posted about her decision to become/try out lesbianism. I'll give you the quick version. Re-Cap Venus has always liked boys and never considered becoming homosexual. But she became really good friends with Kevin last year. This is Kevin. Kevin is a lesbian. They hung out a lot and talked a lot and became really close. Kevin, from the beginning of their friendship, made it very clear that she was interested in being more than just friends. At the beginning, Venus was very opposed. But everyone surrounding Venus and Kevin seemed to be pressuring Venus to consider the "lesbian" option. That's when Venus asked me what I thought about it. I let her know I was not okay with the idea. I believe man is meant for woman and vice versa. And no matter how much the girl looks like a man or acts like a man, she is still a woman. I also told her, China is not so accepting of that kind of lifestyle. And if she wanted kids, that is definitely not going to happen. Anyway, after a LONG discussion she decided to go for it. They were together a couple of months and then broke up. Venus' Conclusions: Kevin is not a man. Kevin chose to prioritize another girl over her. Venus could not see their relationship going any further than girlfriend/girlfriend. However, it's not uncommon for couples to break up and make up often.

Ignorance is not bliss...

I bought a puppy yesterday. She is an English Bulldog. Her name is Edith. She's quiet fiesty. But I think that is the young puppy in her. I hope and have read on blogs and in books that puppies are all kind of rambuncious, but later calm down. Or at least some breeds. But that's not the point of this post. My friend Sarah went with me to the nearby city to buy her. I was telling her about the Cesar Millan "How to raise the perfect dog: from puppyhood and beyond." I told her about how the book tells people to have CALM-ASSERTIVE ENERGY. Dogs don't understand human language. So, when you say, "No," "Stop," or something to that effect, they just don't get it. A mother dog uses her attitude and energy to teach her young pups the do's and don'ts of life. So, we should to.

Several times in the book, he says you should NEVER hit a dog. He talked about how people's instinct or reaction is spanking a dog for bad behavior. But it's better to reward and praise good behavior. I told her about how I've seen people do most of the bad things Cesar says not to do in America. And I've seen people do them here in Asia. Sometimes, we just let the anger get the best of us. Or maybe the worst. I love Sarah so much. I can ask her any question and she doesn't tell me the cover-up answer to make her country look and sound better, but tells me the truth. And she's not offended when I make observations and helps me learn so much about how people think here. So, I asked her about hitting as discipline for children in Asia. She told me there is an old proverb about how if you don't hit your child, his faults are your responsibility. She explained that with boys especially this thought is strong. Don't get me wrong, if I ever become a parent, I think spanking will be on the list of disciplinary actions. BUT spanking is a scary possibility in the hands of broken people. There might be a language barrier, but the word Asians use to describe what their mother and father did when they were younger is "beat." Maybe there is no word for spanking. But it just breaks my heart to think of what happens behind closed doors. She told me it's very possible that most children in Asia are being beaten. In the West, I think we have come to understand spanking is not always the best option. There SHOULD be discipline, so I'm not saying let your kid run wild. But if that doesn't work, try something else. Sarah told me, that most Asian parents will just keep going with the same old thing because it's what they know. I don't care what you say or think, I truely believe that abuse will have an effect on who you are. Yes, I know you can make lemons into lemonade. But lemonade is sour and so tart sometimes...I wish they knew what kind of effect this has on their kids later in life. Sarah also told me about her friend who has a sister who is now a lesbian. The mother of these two girls beat them pretty badly when they were young. Sarah thought that the sister that chose the homosexual lifestyle chose it because she admired her father. Her father was a sweet, kind man. She desired to be like him. To be the protector in the relationship and she had no desire to be like her mother. I'm not saying this is true for every case. But I hope and pray, the people here will see that their actions have consequences...