Boundaries and Margin

A couple weeks ago, I went to Thailand and met and re-connected with some incredible people. I was encouraged, challenged, refined, humbled and loved. Deeply. We are often so busy doing our own work, we rarely remember each other or make time to catch up. Or at least, that’s the case for me. Out of sight, out of mind. One of the lessons I took away from Thailand was about boundaries and margin.

Spring 2014 was grueling. It was wonderful. But grueling. I was challenged in ways I didn’t know needed stretching. Father brushed away some cobwebs and dusted the crannies of forgotten parts of my heart. Well, parts I had forgotten about, not that He had. 

I can honestly say and see that I was on the verge of “burnout.” I didn’t realize it at the time. I just felt tired, empty, useless and ineffective. While in Thailand, I learned that was a symptom of a life without boundaries and margin.

Boundaries: a limit, imaginary line or unofficial rule of what can and cannot be done. Acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. 

Margin: a reserve, extra time, money, supplies or space used in a the time of need for you or others. (You should have a DAILY reserve. A little extra time every day for you.)

See the difference in boundaries and margin? I didn’t at first. Boundaries are guidelines for your personal life and work life. What are you willing to do and not do? How much can you invest in something or someone? Margin is extra time/money/space for extra stuff that might come up. Is your schedule so full that you don’t have breaks? Do you have free time? Are you always running from one thing to another?

Don’t forget to communicate these boundaries and margins. You should be able to say “no” to things/people in love. When you have decided to cut something out, stick with that decision. But say “no” with love. Hopefully, this will also help you say “yes” in confidence. You will know you have extra time, money or space to help an out an unexpected friend. Or if something fun comes up, you have the ability to say “yes” with out having to cancel something else or move things around. Do not suffer from the “Disease to Please.”

Consequences of no boundaries/margin

1. Burnout
2. Stress-related disease
3. Relationship problems
4. Lack of productiveness
5. Lower quality of life, work and overall satisfaction
6. Eventually results in a chaotic life
7. Potentially career-ending

Rewards of boundaries/margin

1. At your personal potential
2. Have reserves to help people
3. Healthier relationships
4. Good example to others
5. Sustainable life and work/ministry

So, now you see the benefits and dangers of boundaries and margin. How do you make it happen? Here’s how! Make 3 lists. List EVERYTHING that takes up your time, all things that keep you busy.

God-given Obligations

These things are nonnegotiable.

Things might include; a quiet time, a Sabbath, worship, exercise, sleep, ministry, work, etc.

If this list is bigger than all the others, something is wrong. Maybe you are carrying a burden that’s not yours to carry. Maybe it’s time to ask for help. Maybe you need to delegate some things.

Expectations

These things are negotiable.

There are expectations others may have for you; going to dinner, hanging out, babysitting, work parties, event planning, etc.

There are expectations you have for yourself; meeting with a certain number of people a week, following-up on certain relationships, planning, weight loss goals, etc.

Are these things realistic? Are these things binding? Are these things worth your time and effort? Can you really do those things?

Some things might have to be cut out. That’s why they are negotiable!

Bucket List

Things you hope to do this month, this year, the next 5 years!

It’s always good to have dreams and ambitions.

This can be fun stuff; travel, learning a language, learning how to play an instrument, etc.

Okay, now you have lists and categories and you’re organized. What’s next? Planning!!!

Print off some calendars; daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Do what works for you! If you are good with a weekly plan, do that. If you are a little more detailed, do it daily-style. If you know you want to take a vacation in January, put it in there. Don’t allow yourself to change that. Stick to it! Vacations are ok. If you want to work out every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, put it on there. And do it. This is all Part One of the process. Part Two is execution. I haven’t gotten there yet. But I’m a go-getter, so I feel confident I’ll do it.

Why don't they understand me?

I promised some language flubs. So, here they are.
Despite my ridiculous mistakes from time to time, my friends are so encouraging and helpful. Giving me great praise and challenging me. And my mistakes always seem suitable for a little laughter.


What I wanted to say: Can I tell you a secret?

What I said: Can I tell you a password?

What I wanted to say: At that place, I need to pick up my friend.

What I said: At that place, I need to grab my friend. (The word grab is only used as in grabbing with your hands, like grasping. My friends got a real kick out of that one.)

What I wanted to say: And you?!

What I said: Nila! (The words for "and you?/what about you?" sound really similar to my last name. My friends thought I was just shouting my name.)

What I wanted to say: When you were little, did you do that?

What I said: When you were grown up, did you do that? I'm never quite sure where to put the suffix to change something.

What I wanted to say: When you are scared, you can come to my house.

What I said: When you are scary, you can come to my house. I couldn't help but laughing at myself.

Heart Language

My language tutor is Annia. She is just a ball of fun. She teases me constantly when we study together. Or really she teaches me. She always askes,

"Are you sure?"

in such a doubtful way, I used to think I was always wrong. Now, I know she is just a punk and wants me to be confident when I speak. Or she'll say something like,

"How many times have I told you?"

Anyway, today in class we were comparing things. The grammar is more complicated, but she is really good about being patient with me and dumbing it down for me.

First Sentence:
This book compared with that book is more expensive.

Second Sentence:
Green peppers compared with red peppers are more spicy.

Third Sentence:
This bed compared with that bed is more soft.

She was really impressed that I remembered the measure word for bed. And the word for bed. AND the word soft. AND that I could put it all together.

This was her response after the third sentence:

Wow! Great job! That is so wonderful. You have so many words in your heart.

Learning language isn't just about being able to speak or communicate. It's about knowing the heart of the people. From any place, not just Asia. Language is in the heart. Not the mouth or mind. It was a good reminder and encouragement today. I learn to know and love these people.

Stay tuned for language flubs. I have a couple good stories to share.

Will you give me some...?

Jessica is an old friend. She had always seeked me out to talk to. Mostly she wanted to talk about politics and practice her English. I was okay with that.

Occasionally, I would bring up my beliefs. Okay, more than occasionally. But most of the time, she would listen and never showed any interest.

Last week, she invited herself over to have salad. Salad, for some reason, is super interesting. Of all the things students want to make or eat together, salad is usually one of those things. I've always been reluctant because they hardly ever eat raw veggies and that is pretty much all a salad is. But I decided to go for it with Jessica.

Long story short, she liked the salad and the chicken and broccoli rice I made. We chit chatted about politics and medical expenses and sporting scandals. She was going to study the Bible with a friend of mine, but then she asked if I had time to study with her. I said, "Of course!" So we set up a day and time.

The reason I love communication and the reason for this post is this:

This is what I heard next:
"Will you give me some sex?"

I almost burst into laughter. But I KNEW that could not possibly be what she really said. So, my mind began to filter through the possibilities...

sex...
six...
snakes...
SNACKS!!!

This is what she said:
"Will you give me some snacks?"

I agreed to bring some snacks to our meetings and chuckled to myself.

Thank you Asia and thank you brain.